How to Talk to Your Parent About Aged Care
- Bill Savellis
- Jan 24
- 6 min read
Starting a conversation with your parent about aged care is one of the most difficult discussions adult children face. You're navigating the delicate balance between concern for their wellbeing and respect for their independence - all while managing your own feelings of worry, guilt, and uncertainty about the right approach.
Every day I see families postponing this conversation until a crisis forces their hand - a fall, a hospital discharge, or a sudden deterioration in health. By then, decisions must be made quickly, often under stress, without the benefit of thoughtful planning or your parent's full input.
This guide provides practical, empathetic guidance on having the aged care conversation before crisis hits - so you and your parent can explore options together with clarity and dignity.
Why the Conversation Feels So Difficult
Understanding why this conversation feels overwhelming can help you approach it with more confidence and compassion.
Common barriers include:
Fear of upsetting your parent or damaging your relationship
Guilt about suggesting they can no longer manage independently
Uncertainty about how to raise the topic without sounding condescending
Your parent's potential resistance, denial, or emotional response
Your own emotional complexity - grief over your parent ageing, worry about their safety, and the role reversal of becoming the decision-maker
These feelings are completely normal. Acknowledging them helps you prepare for a conversation that honours both your parent's autonomy and your genuine concern for their wellbeing.
When to Have the Conversation
Timing matters. Ideally, this conversation happens before a crisis - when your parent is relatively healthy and able to participate meaningfully in planning their future.
Consider having the conversation when:
You notice changes in your parent's ability to manage daily tasks (cooking, cleaning, personal care, medication management)
Your parent has experienced a health event (fall, hospitalisation, diagnosis) that suggests increasing care needs
Your parent raises concerns themselves about managing alone
Major life transitions occur (death of a spouse, sale of family home, relocation)
Your parent is still well but approaching retirement or aged pension eligibility - planning ahead prevents rushed decisions later
When Not to Have the Conversation:
During or immediately after a crisis (hospital discharge, accident) - emotions are high and decisions may be reactive
When your parent is unwell, in pain, or cognitively impaired - wait for a clearer moment
At family gatherings or holidays where the setting feels staged or confrontational
If a crisis has already occurred, you may need to have a modified version of this conversation focused on immediate priorities while acknowledging that longer-term planning will follow once the situation stabilises.
Preparing for the Conversation
Preparation reduces anxiety and increases the likelihood of a productive conversation. Before speaking with your parent:
1. Gather Information
Research aged care options available (home care, retirement villages, residential aged care)
Understand the financial implications, including Age Pension entitlements and accommodation costs
Know what government support is available (MyAgedCare assessments, Support at Home program)
2. Clarify Your Concerns
Be specific about what you've observed. Vague worry ("I'm just concerned") is less compelling than concrete examples ("I've noticed you're struggling with the stairs and you've had two falls in the past six months").
3. Involve Siblings or Family Members
If possible, coordinate with other family members to present a united, supportive front. Disagreements between siblings can undermine the conversation and create additional stress for your parent.
4. Choose the Right Setting
Private, comfortable location (your parent's home, if appropriate)
Time when your parent is rested and alert
No distractions, time pressure, or interruptions
Face-to-face if possible (not via phone or email for initial conversation)
How to Start the Conversation
The opening sets the tone. Your goal is to create a collaborative, non-threatening space for dialogue - not to deliver ultimatums or decisions you've already made.
Effective Conversation Starters:
Observation-Based Opening:
"Dad, I've noticed you're finding it harder to manage the stairs lately, and I'm worried about you being on your own. I'd like to talk about what support might help you stay comfortable and safe at home. What do you think?"
Future-Focused Opening:
"Mum, I've been thinking about the future and I'd like to understand what you'd want if you ever needed more help. Have you thought about what kind of support would work for you?"
Indirect Entry Point (Easier for Some Families):
"I was speaking with my friend whose mum recently moved into a retirement village, and it got me thinking about our own family planning. Have you thought about whether you'd want to stay in this house long-term, or if you'd consider other living arrangements at some point?"
What to Avoid Saying:
"You can't stay here anymore" - this sounds like an ultimatum and removes their agency
"We've already decided..." - decisions made without their input breed resistance
"Don't be difficult" - dismissing their feelings damages trust
"You're not safe here" - fear-based approaches often backfire
"This is for your own good" - condescending language treats them like a child
Instead, focus on collaboration: "Let's work this out together" or "I'd like to understand what you want."
Navigating Common Responses
Your parent's response may range from relief to resistance. Here's how to respond to common reactions:
"I'm Fine"
Response: "I'm glad you feel you're managing. I've noticed [specific observation], and I'm concerned about [specific risk]. Even if you don't need help now, can we talk about what support would look like if you did need it in the future?"
"I'm Not Going Into a Nursing Home"
Response: "I'm not suggesting that. There are lots of options between living completely independently and residential care - like support at home, retirement villages, or assisted living. Let's explore what might work for you."
"I Don't Want to Be a Burden"
Response: "You're not a burden. We want to make sure you have the support you need to live comfortably. Planning ahead together means we can find solutions that work for everyone, rather than making rushed decisions in a crisis."
"I Can't Afford It"
Response: "That's a valid concern. There are government support options, Age Pension entitlements, and financial strategies that might help. Would it be helpful to speak with a specialist aged care financial adviser who can walk us through what's available?"
When Your Parent Resists
If Your Parent Shuts Down the Conversation:
Don't force it - respect their boundary for now
Acknowledge their feelings: "I can see this is uncomfortable. I'm not trying to rush you, I just want to make sure we've talked about it before we're in a crisis."
Revisit the conversation later, perhaps with a different family member present or after a triggering event (e.g., a friend moving into aged care)
Consider involving a trusted third party - GP, financial adviser, or aged care specialist - who can provide objective information
If Safety is an Immediate Concern:
If your parent's safety is at risk (severe cognitive decline, dangerous living conditions, inability to care for themselves), you may need to take more assertive action in consultation with medical professionals, social workers, or legal advisers. This is a last resort when other approaches have been exhausted.
What to Do After the Conversation
The initial conversation is just the beginning. Next steps might include:
Research together: Visit retirement villages, attend aged care information sessions, or explore home care options as a joint activity
Seek professional guidance: Book a consultation with an aged care financial adviser to understand costs, Age Pension entitlements, and funding options
Request an ACAT assessment (Aged Care Assessment Team): This government assessment determines eligibility for aged care services and is required for Home Care Packages and residential aged care
Get legal documents in order: Ensure Power of Attorney, Advanced Care Directives, and wills are up to date
Create a proactive plan: Document your parent's preferences, concerns, and priorities so decisions can be made according to their wishes if they're unable to participate later
Taking Care of Yourself
This conversation is emotionally taxing for adult children. Remember:
You're doing the right thing by planning ahead, even if it's difficult
It's okay to feel guilty, sad, or overwhelmed - these emotions don't mean you're failing your parent
You can't control your parent's response, but you can control how you approach the conversation with empathy and respect
Seek support for yourself - whether from siblings, friends, or professional counselling
How Olive Grove Can Support Your Family
Navigating aged care decisions involves complex financial planning - Age Pension entitlements, accommodation costs, means testing, and strategic asset structuring. Our end-to-end service works directly with Centrelink and aged care providers on your behalf, so you can focus on supporting your parent through this transition.
Whether you're seeking aged care financial advice or help dealing with Centrelink, we're here to support you. Book a free call with Bill today to explore how we can help your family.
